Why would I sell my soul to be one of them.
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CNDfatGirl
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Name: Denise
Birthday: 3/5/1976
Gender: Female


Occupation: CSR
Industry: Retail Warranties


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Member Since: 6/6/2006

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

Somewhere along the line I just fell apart

Its not that I binge at least not that often. Its not that I am horrifically lazy or that I eat obscene amounts. Its just that if I am not exercising a lot and being oh so careful about when what and how I eat and staying on my meds I start gaining weight. I'm going to be one of those stories of a gargantuanly fat person. I don't know I'm just off track. I mean I stick to some of it but I'm not sticking to all of it and I'm not feeling a sense of progress.

Perhaps its just that lately I've been anxious and depressed. Gee I'm sure you're all so glad I'm back.

Nothing inspires me, I don't want to do anything. I just feel stifled and unhappy. I don't know maybe I need to try harder its just that lately... Oh I don't know. Everything seems so insurmountable. I'm bogged down by the disaster that is my life. I know that taking better care of myself would make the stress less... I'm just not sure I can.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

Oh yeah the diet thing!

Okay so general update on the weight loss issue which I've not discussed recently.  I've not exactly had a set back I don't THINK I've gained any weight but I don't want to know.  I'm still going to the gym usually for about half an hour of either weights or lengths nearly daily I take an hour long aqua fit class three times a week and if I'm motivated I also go to the aqua weights class which is on my day off and makes for another hour.  So on the fitness front I'm being a good girl.

Nutrition has been less stellar, with the wedding and the boyfriend visit there have been two big nutrition red flags.  One I temporarily went of the Jenny Craig to save some extra money which means I've been doing a lot of grabbing quick food that isn't ideal.  The second red flag is that there was a lot of restaurant food and I ate so much junk at the wedding.  Now the wedding Junk was compensated for.  I was camping and at a Pagan festival so I was walking everywhere, probably on average about 20 to 30km just back and fourth.  Hauling big nasty 10 gallon water jugs.  That was the necessary work stuff.  Just for fun I probably spent a good two to three hours a day swimming and probably as much dancing around the fire.  I'm sure except for Eydie none of you will have any idea just how vigorous that is.

I'm not getting the set back weight gain feeling anyway so I'm happy with that.  The other problem is that I'm out of medication and have to get my OHIP card reissued before I can get the prescription renewed.  My purse got stolen a while back and I've been a slacker about getting that replaced...  Probably stupid I really wouldn't want to get injured just now.

****WARNING TMI THAT MIGHT MAKE SOME UNCOMFORTABLE****

In other news I'm dealing with the Jerrad distance thing better again.  It was hard to say goodbye after the visit and I still get more weepy about not seeing him now then I was before.  I guess I'd gotten used to it, I suppose that means I will be again. We've been discussing the possibility of dating someone...  (hm yeah this is where I scare you all) together.  Yes I like boys in pairs.  There is this guy that Jerrad has known since he was a kid that he's really fond of and has had a few minor encounters of an intimate nature.  I've not actually met him in person yet but we've talked on the phone several times and he's sweet but weird.  Do I think we'd end up making a solid tri...  I don't know I'm not sure he's up to that but hey its been a long time since Jerrad and I have had a third to play with.  Okay you can all come out of hiding now I'm done...

*********************END WEIRD GIRL STUFF************************

So moving on from that I am no seriously looking for a new job again.  I've only been here for thee months but this really is only a stop gap measure its a glorified call centre for goodness sake.  Anyway now you are au courant.  I shall make a concerted effort to make more updates but we've been too busy to do it at work and I just can't bring myself to spend too much time online in the summer.


Friday, August 11, 2006

Who said the fat girl wasn't sexy

Sorry its not a real entry today I'm still worn out but I so love this picture of me.

***EDIT***

Actually this was my dress for my sister's wedding.  Although I may have to go to a faire just for another excuse to wear it.


Sunday, July 30, 2006

My Heart Hurts

Well he left this morning, he came early and stayed late.  He wanted to be with me that badly.  I miss him already.  I missed him before I made it to my bedroom door this morning.  I missed him the moment I moved from being in his arms before the warmth of him had even faded from my skin. 

Last night I clung to him and every kiss was salty with my own tears and still I sit here trying to focus on work today.   I'm only glad the customers don't know me they don't hear the bruised quality of my voice.  The festival is coming up and my sister gets married next weekend and I simply don't care...  I just want to turn back time a minute or an hour and have it be yesterday.

What am I doing...  I'm not supposed to be in love, this was supposed to be brief.  A fling while he was on the rebound, I never wanted to have to tie my heart to someone.  What do I do now exactly?  How do we make this work?  He's nine years younger then me and lives in a different country nearly a day's drive away.  Its so impossible.  I wasn't supposed to fall in love.  I really don't want to need him


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The hectic unrealities of life

So, I'm going to my sister's for my days off this week and bringing her kids back for the weekend.  Jerrad is visiting next week and my sister is getting married the week after that.  Yeah I'm just not going to be around much for the next few weeks...



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